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That fucking sucks.  Livejournal just ate my entry.  one that pleased me and refuses to be duplicated.


All the pretty words seem to have fled.  Did i toss them into the gale?  mute.  immobile.  only the sun hot on my face and always this wind.


settled low and tight and i can feel the weight of it. i want to hide somehow. the utter stillness of the air eases some until i take a walk...and then a hush until the valley. a silence that crawls up my spine a little bit. mountains at 8,000 ft are not usually this still. somehow i think it's Jesus saying "hush, listen, be still". I talk to my love and i do believe that he hears me.

May. 20th, 2011

a little numb and forgetting. but the stars remind me. thousands...a whole sky. i don't want numb. i want stars like a sea of fireflys.

It was not a suicide.

Hello again Livejournal...my refuge from the unspeakable.  A place of words when I have been muzzled.  I return to you with a heart heavy-laden with grief.  Hands clutching wind and time.  My heart a softer, yet firmer place than it has been in centuries.  I lost you my love of my life...after the promises I mistook the twist of your words and you left me body and soul and went your way.  And I wonder if your today was sunny as mine was beset by the racing clouds and screaming wind flying dusty words in my eyes and keeping behind closed doors. 

Was your day a sunny one? with a smiling blue sky  and a heart light from leaving.  I hope that the sky smiled for you today.

You didn't leave me.  But that is exactly what you did. You quite literally told me "I think I'll die on Saturday"...and a handful of saturdays later i find your shell with those hands that loved me so and that mouth and those ageless eyes so vacant.  laughter gone, pain gone, holdings gone, and the dream of the life that i longed for gone forever.

My love...life is not the same without you. you were my everything and i still feel your comforting presence and i thank you deeply for the faith that you loaned me...i would be lost without it.

You gave me everything. and i am utterly transformed from having loved you.


i actually think

i'm in love with him.  probably always will love him even if i never see him again.

I don't know

what true abuse is or what it means to bare one's teeth as one's very last weapon.  I have felt life to be hard...especially these last few years...but what is that to homelessness?  to the flight for one's life?  to jumping at the breeze shaking the leaves?

their father had hands the size of tomes with fingers the thickness of a child's wrist.  their first memories are of beatings.  he was 10 years old when he leveled the gun at his father ready to kill if he didn't stop choking the woman on the floor with his boot.  the father forced them to box at age five.  he shot the brother when the brother was 18.  the brother left home at 12 and hitch hiked all over this country.  the father went on to have a whorehouse (i've seen it).  they grew up caring for dogs that were used for pitfighting.

the neighbor now.  the neighbor gets drunk and does strip teases with touching allowed on top of picnic tables.  her ex-husband killed her two babies and left her for dead.  she drinks like she's drowning....and she is.  she is full blooded cherokee.  she speaks wisdom with a squinted eye and stole another neihbor's husband and now sheds tears at his callousness.  i heard her one night low and gutteral in her sobbing...his voice even....male.

the lover.  the lover once stitched up his own hand at age 8 cuz his father told him to stop his whining and do it. at age 16 he started stealing cars and chopping them.  he would fight in school for those who couldn't stand up for themselves.  he is more dangerous than i would like to think.  he has friends from the chicago mafia.  another friend went to jail for slitting a man's throat from ear to ear who owed him money.  he spent whole nights lying in bed with me without sex cuz i wasn't ready (i take some time).  he was patient and sweet.  he reads people like nobody i've ever met. he really has a kindliness about him. 

there is more.

the most genuine people that i have met in chattanooga have been broken to bits.

i miss

the music of this world as i have gone deaf.

i miss
the green of the leaves and blue of the sky as everything looks like shades of gray.

i miss
the sweetness of his breath and the whisper of his southern drawl...all low and longing.

i miss
his arms and the maleness of his hands covered in grease...soiling my white scrubs.
now my hands are empty and body unmarred.

i miss
the luxury of sleep
the sweetness of the long moments stretched out like a summer's night.

i miss
the sound of the breeze through leaves and their gentle rustle.

i miss
myself just as i am finding out exactly what i'm made of.

i miss
simple respite
and the kindly smile.

i miss
the green glints of his eyes as he laughed.

i miss
not having to perform the impossible
and being under nobody's thumb.

i miss
the directness of authenticity
and the flow of life. i am surrounded by those governed by minutiae and tyranized by their list of "things to be done".

i miss
not being tyranized by that list of "things to be done".

i miss

Letting you all know I'm alive

Yes, I still exist.  Clinic, Work, and Class time = 68 hrs. per week plus studying. on top of that. 75 hrs. per week this summer between clinic and work. 0 days off between labor day and mid-august.  0 days off between now and mid-december (literally). Nazi's don't even cover this program.  Unbelievable and often unethical.  However, 100% of graduates pass the registry exam. Last years class had an average score of 90.  you graduate a competant radiographer cuz we do twice what is required by the arrt to take the registry exam.  comping exams have to be more perfect than the radiologist needs.  hell they have to be more perfect than the textbook in some cases.  they play mindgames with you and if they know that they're getting to you...they poke all the harder. 

Dry shit I know.  sorry.  i will be back here someday, perhaps sooner than i would like as they are threatening to kick me out if i don't comp a barium enema by tuesday.  haven't seen any to comp so if someone just really needs an enema, and it just wouldn't be right without barium,please drop by my clinic site...please.  3 of us need one...

serious unbelievable bullshit has passed on all fronts this past year.  but hell, i've grown quite the thick skin.  it's boiling actually.  but hell...and bollocks to boot.  how does one spell bollocks?

still had time (even though i have/had no time) to see someone who happened to get out of the federal pen last march and have mindblowingly good sex all night long on more than a few occasions. went to work at 5 a.m. once while still drunk.  i now know what meth smells like (no i have not done it nor will i).  not seeing the guy at the moment and miss him (though i know its for the best---the meth and all).  sweet, intelligent, considerate, dangerous, bad-tempered man who kissed like deep water...made my knees weak.  you know how delicious that is?  he makes the best wine that i have ever had. he put air conditioning into my car for free. he also studied cosmetology and hair.  he is a renaissance redneck. but i probably won't be seeing him again...at least for anything lovely.

lost weight this summer cuz brother-in-law demanded money and had to live on breakfast bars that i had bought previosly for three weeks.  feel like i can take just about anything thrown at me unless i happen to be feeling like i just can't take anymore.  it jumps back and forth.  not liking most of my life these days....can't wait till the light reaches the end of that tunnel.  i see it though you know?  that glorious end when i'll wake up in the middle of the night going "fuck!!! what must be done?  what's due?"  and then realize that I can sink back cuz the next day I can watch tv, or take a hike, or see a movie....or catch up w/ ya'll who i miss ever so much.  i wonder about you...just wanted to let you know...


i feel it a wonder of rare magnitude that so many of you are still here.
i have missed the distinctness of your flavors and the trueness of your words...so like the half-moon....the scent of sweetgrass.

thank you for blessing me.

me.  gone from myself...but not entirely.